As I write this, my head hurts.
Since when did I start caring about what others think about me?
When I sit down to pen my thoughts on this, a new sense of establishment prevails. I have been tormenting myself a long time. Its been a terribly long time I did something good for myself.
Why this sudden Introspection you say?
I have reached a juncture in my life where things don't point anywhere but a Red Brick Wall. This reminds me of the Pink Floyd Song, Another brick in the wall. Its true, bricks are stacking up on each other and creating a higher wall.
I feel cornered. I feel suffocated. Absolutely direction less. Now, is the time I need an Internal GPS.
What has led to such a drastic shift in thought?
I just realized that all my life I did things to be accepted by the society, family, system and god knows what else.
But when was the last time SELF- ACCEPTANCE happened?
I'm guessing my carefree Teenage years.
When you are young, you are taught by your parents to explore things (at least not the destructive things) on your own.
You are taught to be curious about the way things work. Maybe even handed down a HowThingsWork series ( I know I was!).
You discover new things, sometimes succeed in unraveling the mystery. Sometimes, it doesn't just work, but you still look around it to find a way.
Those same principles that you were taught are all squashed by the very same people, once you enter Teenage. The Fear that Improper Experimentation will scar you for life. But the very reason gives you a Go to do things that your way. My way or the Highway!
You are forced to behave and conform to the society. Please the society with Good deeds.
However, they don't realize that these rules actually stunt the personal growth of an individual to a very considerable extent.
I think mine was.
Your primary duty of self-happiness is erased. In its place, the virtue of keeping others happy resides. This may be the most self-destructive habits one can cultivate.
You start acting according to others. Action and Reaction.
However, you do reach a point where you just STOP. Everything else just stops being important.
You then wonder how you ever got to that Point ( Like I did). And then you look forward to Breaking Free.
Analyzing all this I come to understand is the result of a faulty Self-Esteem and Fear of Rejection.
How you deal with it, is a matter of personal choice.
Today, I am not ashamed to admit that my Self-Esteem has taken a hit. Rather, all these years, I just had pseudo self-esteem.
Pseudo Self-Esteem- Appearing super confident and happy to others, the truth being otherwise.
Its like a non ending loop, a recurring decimal.
Leading the Life you want, pleasing yourself, keeping yourself happy is the way to go.
Now I wonder, all these years of extensive reading of Ayn Rand caused no upheaval what so ever.
Although, its not to say that she wasn't right, but it was my Implementation Error.
Hoping for a brand new start, but this hope can be scary.
These demons in my head need to rest.
